Conversations. Listening. Thinking. Guiding. Advising. Being Curious.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who starts out as just wanting someone to listen, share an idea, or share an experience and soon find that you are getting advice you did not ask for or expect? Or ever have someone work to persuade you do something you did not want to do? Sometimes this can lead to a great awakening, uncovering good information, or receiving sage advice. Other times, it can lead to being questioned, feeling as though you are under scrutiny, being told you are wrong, or worse, the conversation turns into an argument. You may even feel frustrated, because you believe you are ‘being fixed’ or your request to share not respected. Then, you wonder what happened or begin to blame the other person for what happened.
How did the escalation happen? Well, it depends solely on the intentions set by the persons engaged and the attitude each brings to the conversation. That said, we only have ‘control’ of our behavior. Saying he/she made me angry really doesn’t make sense when we accept that we have and make the choices of how we feel, show up, and express ourselves. Others might ignite something in us. However, we choose how we want to respond.
These choices are carried out in the moment, minutes, hours, days or months depending on the situation presented. Our ability to manage our behaviors is built over time by our experiences, our values, or our beliefs. The wisdom of our actions is based in how we have practiced having good, better, great conversations or not so good conversations. Habits are formed and become norms in our behaviors.
These habits, should we choose to modify them, will require practice and more practice. Habits take time to build and more time to change. Be patient with yourself.
So how might we create new habits? Let’s talk about peace, poise and power and how we bring these to our conversation. First, what do I mean by peace, poise and power?
Peace in this context is a calmness or tranquility. A listening ear, being curious without imparting judgment create a peaceful environment to have an engaging conversation. The intention is to learn first, then ask if there is anything you’d like from me other than to actively listen.
Poise in this context is to be balanced and ready to do something when asked or the ambiance seems right for your thoughts. I maintain asking for permission can yield a best outcome for both persons. Actively listening will provide for your inquisitive, thoughtful comments.
Power in this context is to have the ability, capacity, potential to make something happen first for yourself. The power to truly listen without wanting to guide or advise. Rather to “meet the person where they are”. If they are in pain consoling may be all they can handle. If they have made a mistake or brought grave hurt to another allowing them to vent may be all they can handle. Asking is there anything I can do for you may be all that you do. If you are attempting to get someone to see things your way, maybe ask what do they think, do you see any flaws in my thinking? If someone is attempting to persuade you, maybe ask what’s in this for you?
Peace, poise, power … provides you with the wisdom of self-control to listen and to be heard.
This is not always easy. A raised voice or what we believe to be a unwarranted comment can change behaviors in an instant without the anchors of peace, poise, and power. It is up to us to remain calm and know everything will be just fine when we remember peace, poise, power and know “you got this!” which comes with wisdom. Stay curious, inquire for understanding and not question with judgement.
When you see someone appearing to know it all, overly confident, or bullying know they are scared, afraid and are truly crying out for help, not wanting to be “found out”. Oftentimes, they just don’t know how to ask for help. Not to know is believed to be a weakness, right? Actually, asking for help, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, is the greatest demonstration of strength. We are all on a journey doing the best we can, the best way we know how, learning.
May we all be patient enough with ourselves, know we are good enough where we are, know we are learning to be better – just a little bit better every day. It is then that we can all lean into our greatness, our goodness knowing we are not alone and together we will do great things.
So next time you are having that curious conversation, try meeting the other person where they are and you may be surprised that your conversation is filled with more acceptance, understanding, and joy for each of you – even if it gets “lively”.
Conversation is a meeting of minds with different memories and habits. When minds meet, they don’t just exchange facts: they transform them, reshape them, draw different implications from them, engage in new trains of thought. Conversation doesn’t just reshuffle the cards: it creates new cards.
– Theodore Zeldin
Energetically yours,
Sherrie